Sunday, June 10, 2007

6 types of toxic people

This one is for TZ. I told her that the really scary part about our mutual SNTXFBI___H is that she was all 6 of them combined! (They say everyone excels at something.)

6 Types of Toxic Friends and How You Can Deal with Them


(That's a link if you want to read the whole thing.)

1. The Promise Breaker
This friend constantly disappoints you or breaks promises, most likely because she herself was constantly disappointed during her formative years.
2. The Double-crosser
This negative friend betrays you big-time. It could happen when someone does something to hurt you, such as spreading a malicious rumor about you. Or it could be an emotional double-cross; for example, when a close or best friend stops speaking to you and you never find out why. If you do decide to walk away from this friendship, do it in a low-key way that avoids incurring the wrath of the Double-crosser. You do not want to be her or his next victim. (NO KIDDING!)
3. The Self-absorbed
Certainly the Self-absorbed is a tamer type of negative friend than the Risk-taker. Still, especially over the long haul, a friend who does not make the time to listen to you will eat away at your self-esteem. For you to feel good about yourself, and for your friendship to thrive, you have to be more than a sounding board. The Self-absorbed does not care; she listens to you only because she is waiting to speak.
4. The Discloser
When you say to this friend, "This is just between us," she nods her head but unfortunately that promise will last only as long as it takes her to get to her phone or e-mail. Although there should be an assumption of confidentiality and trust between friends, this friend can't help herself.
If you suspect someone has this trait, share an unimportant secret that you could live with her spreading and see how fast or widespread the confidence is shared.
5. The Competitor
A little bit of competition is healthy and to be expected. An appropriate amount of competition will motivate and stimulate. But too much competition between friends starts to destroy the friendship. One of the primary ingredients in a positive friendship is that one or both friends feel that they can be "themselves" and that they don't have to put on airs or impress one another. Competition implies a race in which one wins and the other loses; those conditions are quite the opposite of what someone typically expects in a positive friendship, especially a close or best one.
6. The Fault-finder
Nothing you do, say, or wear is good enough for this overly critical friend. However, if you are at your wit's end and willing to try one more thing before calling it quits, try finding fault in the Fault-finder.But beware: The Fault-finder might cut off your friendship forever rather than deal with your criticisms or even try to understand the larger message you are trying to convey.

4 comments:

Martha said...

And yet at the same time, I could be guilty of any number of these traits in an isolated occasion. I think it is always the pattern of behaviors that we get worn out by. Over and over it never changes. That's the difference between a bumpy spot in a healthy friendship and a toxic situation were the lifetime subscription needs to be cancelled.

Martha said...

Oh my, this is way too heavy of a topic to be having without a margarita in my hand. Pass the salt please!

tz said...

excuse me why I go throw up....
my goodness i'm so glad i'm out...although i didn't do it quietly like they suggested.

and yes martha, we all can be guilty of a behavior or two listed...but like you said, that pattern, and frankly for me, the knowing i was enabling and promoting the behavior made me look at myself too in a not so favorable light....glad i got out!

Colleen O said...

It turns out (I just got the book from the library) she lists 30 types! Bullshitting liar, gossip, meddler (a gossip who's too impatient to wait for it, so she takes a more active role in setting out to destroy you.)oh, don't forget double crossing back stabber - are my top picks for describing this one. She was a good 25 out of 30 on that list too.

And M, I wash my hands several times a day, but it doesn't mean i'm OCD.

And T, one of the signs that someone is toxic to you, is that they bring out the worst in you.